I miss you. :(
I remembered the last dream i dreamt of you is, we'r at the coffeehouse and i'm ordering food. i asked what u wana eat, u told me u've eaten. I felt so amazing of the dream i had. Is it that u'r telling me that u'r doing well, and not suffering? If it is so, i'm so glad that i'd the dream. So glad because u told me u've eaten. But then again, i'm so sad. Because that is the last dream i ever had. Thereafter i never dreamt of you anymore. Why?
That day me and 4mei was talking about you. Then suddenly i realised something. I told 4mei, at that period of time, you might have suffered from depression. I thought alot. I felt so angry for myself. That i did not spent more time with you. If only i care more for u, then i'll know how u feelings. And everything would not have happened. If only. But it's too late. I still remembered u cried inside the bedroom. It's the first and only time i ever heard u crying. I didn't know how to express my concern and this makes you think that everyone of us don't care for you. I'm sorry.
It has been 5years since you left me. I really wished you were still here with me. Because only you dote me.
Is this your way of wanting me to grow up? well if so, i did. And i had learnt to treasure and cherish. Especially to family members. You know that. I never hesistated to lend a helping hand whenever any of the siblings in need. To be realistic, they asked me for loan. I never ask for a reason or hesistated and I lent them. They says they'll return bit by bit on monthly basis. But it never come true. They never fulfil their promise. Never did i ever rush them for the loan. I keep quiet. And thus they take me for granted. Whenever they needed money, they just ask for the sum. They did not even ask if i've spare money to lend them. Am i ATM? U open ur mouth and i give u the money?
As days goes by, loan accumulated. I still keep quiet. I keep quiet doesn't mean i'm afraid of u. Because I thought you are old enough to know what is responsibility. But what did i see? shopping bags, going holidays, unneccessary items that u'd brought. Does it mean u've spare money already? Then repay loans is not in your mind?
I says i wanted to change handphone. 5mei says i just brought e71 and so fast wana change hp. Eldest sis commented, Aiya she is rich what. she've nothing but money.
I keep quiet. But infact, i'm fuming. I'm fucking pissed off!
So what if i've money? It's my money. It's my hard-earn money from my job that i exchanged from alcohol. Back in the days, I worked 6-7days/week. I really work hard and i save hard. My savings wasn't dropped from sky or I strike 4d,toto. I exchanged it with the risk of my health. It's my savings because i'm not spendthrift. There's no free dinner in the world. Don't ever think that anyone gave me money. U'r totally wrong. I reap what i sow. Now that i've no income, i refain myself from spending unneccessary things. Still, i shop as i like. Because it is afterall my hard-earn money. i'm happy for myself.
I remembered the first time i went bangkok. After graduated for 2mths, no job no money. I don't want to go because i don't have money. but my fren insisted to include me and even brought the air-ticket for me. i've no money and i asked loan from my mum & eldest sis. They says no money. I left with no choice but till that very last moment before boarding plane, i called up my fren at 6+ in the morning, intruding his sleep only to go to ATM and transfer me. I felt really ashamed. Since then I dare not contact my friend even after i return him the money. Do u know how much i asked for? Only $300. But own family ignored me, simply shoo me off by saying no money. Well, now think again. Did i ever reject you?
Since the incident, I know that I gotta be financially independent of myself. Money is not everything, but without money, you'r nothing. I also remembered, when I just graduated from polytechnic, before finding a job. I'm so poor. Getting money from mum you also interfered. I remembered you saying, 21years old already still wana get money from mum. got hands got legs go find job la. Yes, i really still remember. When a person don't have money, he/she will be looked down. But at least, i won't look down on anyone, including you. I never ever condemn you before. If you think i'm like you, you'r wrong. I just know, you'r my family, i should help.
I really hope you would see my blog. And you know how i feels. I never take you as strangers. But your attitude says so. You think i wana compete with you? I never. I always take you as my siblings.
Now that i asked when they wana return me the money, they gave me attitude. Hello! what is the world going on? Now i'm like begging them to return me money? No sense of responsibilities at all. Sad. It's always unappreciated to be a good person.
Papa. bless me like you always do.
If there's another life, i would wana be your mother. Because i wana take care of you like how u brought me up.
I love you father.
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